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PICK THE JOKES YOU WANT TO SEE!!
AUBURN | TENNESSEE | FLORIDA | LSU | FRAN/TA&M
 
 FIRST, CLICK HERE IF YOU HATE AUBURN!!
AUBURN'S REAL FIGHT SONG!! ---> Listen! (512K wav)
R-RATED AUBURN JOKE ARCHIVE ---> ENTER!
DO NOT ENTER if you are easily offended.
Mature audiences only.
GOTTA LOVE THAT ABUURN EDUMACATION! |
Dedicated to that great 'DOINK' game against LSU in 2005
(see poster above) |
THE AUBURN PLAYBOOK |
BUY ONE OF THESE IN THE BAMADOG.COM FAN SHOP! |
EVER SEEN AN AUBURN HOOKER? |
NICE SPANKING BY BAMA IN AUBURN (2001) |
AUBURN CAR WASH |
JUST A WEE-BIT INTOXICATED, YA THINK?? |
TUBERVILLE JUST LOOKING NORMAL |
HUH? WHAT ARE YOUR PARENTS DOING TO YOU?
YOU DON'T WEAR AN AUBURN SHIRT FOR
SCHOOL-DAY PICTURES IN TUSCALOOSA SCHOOLS! |
COACHING FOR DUMMIES |
FEAR THE THUMB ON TV FOR SURE |
SADDAMERVILLE |
NEED A TARGET FOR YOUR DARTBOARD? PRINT THIS! |
AUBURN MOTORCYCLE |
| PLAIN AND SIMPLE: WINNERS
LOSERS |
THIS IS THE FUNNIEST THING YOU'LL EVER SEE
CLICK HERE!
Life On The Plains
an ASCII painting by B3ARCUB
/------------------------/\
/ SEE / \
/------------------------/ \
/ ROCK / \
/\ /------------------------/ \
//\\ / CITY / \
///\\\ /------------------------/ \
////\\\\ | au@wo ag department | |
///\\\ | & cheerleader's dorm | |
\__/ ///||\\\ | | __________ |
(O||O) //||\\ |----I----I----I----I----| |\ /|\ /||
\||/---------\ || |/ \|/ \|/ \|/ \|/ \| | \/ | \/ ||
(oo) |\ || |----+----+----+----+----| | /\ | /\ ||
""|_________| | ||____|________________________|_|/__\|/__\||__
@ || UU || * _
_\|/_ || || ~~~~>(o)~~~~~
^^ ^^ % @ ~~~~~~~(__)~~~~~
_\|/_ _\|/_ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~
AUBURN HONOR SYSTEM VIRUS
This low budget virus works on the honor system
since no awbun student could figure out
how to write a real virus.
Please forward this message to everyone you know,
then delete all the files on your hard disk.
Thank you for your cooperation.
THIS IS AUBURN FOOTBALL!
As the new season approaches and after Auburn's magical season last
year, it is only right that we reflect on their history and answer the question:
What is Auburn Football?
It is the 1/2 national championship in 113 years of playing football It is sharing a mascot with numerous junior high and pee-wee football teams
It is the smile on Ben Leard's face after throwing an interception that lost the 1998 Virginia game
It is the feeling of anticipation during the walk down Wire Road from your trailer to "The Jungle"
It is having a cute little nickname like "The Jungle" for Jordan-Hare It is putting up a banner for losing the tie-breaker for the Western Division title
It is throwing a parade for finishing second Again
It is throwing a parade for finishing second
It is and always will be about "Keep it down home, cuz"
It is about having a cute slogan like "AttitUde" or "AUdacity" in order to fire up your fans
It is the 1/2 national championship in 113 years of playing football
It is the hope that one day; Auburn will win a national title without sharing it or being on probation.
It is knowing that if the Tigers finish second, it will be OK because they will throw a parade anyway
It is living up to every stereotype about Auburn by letting the players ride on hay bails during that "victory" parade
It is accepting the National Title from the only person who will give it to Auburn, a 16 year old kid with an AOL account
It is the 1/2 national championship in 113 years of playing football
It is Terry Bowden
It is Eric Ramsey
It is having a head coach who used to cook catfish for a living
It is Napoleon Syndrome
It is Little Brother Syndrome
It is the Red Headed Step Child Syndrome
It is believing 2 Heisman Trophies = 2 National Championships
It is knowing that only one other school in the NCAA has been put on probation more times
It is using Toilet Paper to celebrate a victory and wondering why the world treats Auburn like No. 2
It is canceling the Florida State game a month before the season
It is the 1/2 national championship in 113 years of playing football
It is calling the 1989 Alabama game "The Mountain Top," instead of using that title for a championship game
It is the 1/2 national championship in 113 years of playing football
It is yelling "Punt Bama, Punt" 30 years after that chant outlived its cleverness
It is having a runningback who couldn't pass a third grade English test
It is constantly correcting people that Auburn is in Alabama, not Georgia
It is drawing national attention as a barn burns down next to the stadium during the LSU game
It is having a bovine research center less than a mile away from the football stadium
It is the look on Terry Bowden's face as he's about to pass out at the Flora-Bama
It is the plane ride to Louisville
It is having the same amount of SEC championships as Georgia Tech, who left the SEC 40 years ago
It is the 1/2 national championship in 113 years of playing football
It is the probations
It is the trailers
It is the cows.....
It is saying, "Wheee!" whenever Bobby Lowder shakes his snow globe.
It is not Bear Bryant.
It is the smell of fresh cow manure wafting through Jordan-Hare stadium.
It is the Poulon Weed-Eater Bowl.
It is owing your ex-coaches hundreds of thousands of dollars.
It is paranoid inferiority complexes.
It is hearing alumni from other SEC schools refer to you as "the rubes."
It is watching Bama blow your team out the day after your quarterback wins the Heisman.
It is winning your only national championship during a probation year.
It is Buster Brown calling his daddy at half time.
It is buying your way out of big games.
It is hearing Jim Fyffe say, "Auburn takes the lead over Appie State!" as if he's calling the national championship game.
It is watching Ben Leard run off the field after a nail-biting win over Appie State yelling, "We're Back!"
It is getting the recruiting rejects from Bama, Georgia, and Florida.
It is seeing your head coach on national TV give a halftime speech, saying, "Men, we're gonna, we're gonna, we're gonna."
It is Jeff Burger asking Bo Jackson "Why did you run to that side?" & Bo saying "Huh?"
It is telling people from other parts of the country that Bo played for Auburn not Alabama and hearing them ask, "Where's Auburn?"
It is almost running out of toilet paper whenever Auburn lucks up against Bama or Florida.
It's "keeping it down home cuz".
It is reading police reports as much as game programs.
It is hosing down Georgia students after another loss.
It is holding up four fingers at the end of the 4th quarter because Bama does it.
It is having 5 SEC Championships in 107 years.
It is having more NCAA investigations than National Championships.
It's paying an ex player in dire financial straits from your rival school to make up stories about illegal payments against his own school.
It's about being an Alabama wannabe.
It's about having that little brother syndrome - Hey, mommy look at me! It's all kind of sad.
It's calling Bama UAT because that is the best they can come up with.
It is sharing the name "tigers" with countless pee-wee, division 1 AAA, 1AA, and 1A teams.
It is buying championship rings for an 4th ranked 11-0 team because you know that this the closest you will probably ever be to a national championship.
It is all of a sudden becoming a huge basketball fan because your football team sucks.
It is Auburn Football!!!!!!!!
A MUST-READ
In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from
Auburn University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a
young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The
elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found
a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could Mbembe worked the wood out
with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down
its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather
curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
20 years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his
teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the
creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son
Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe,
lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The
elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the
while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering
if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage,
climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He
walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The
elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's
legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
GET READY SEC - BAMA AIN'T THE SAME ELEPHANT!
TOP 10 REASONS IT'S EASY TO LAUGH AT AUBURN
Author: AlabamaRTR@aol.com
10. Auburn went 1-7 in the SEC in 1998, fired their head coach half-way through the season, promise the job to their defensive coordinator, then hire the head coach of the only SEC team that they managed to beat, to be their new head coach, prompting their defensive coordinator to retire and later sue them for not making him coach, which he claims they promised him.
9. Auburn loves to tell everyone that they have solid fan support. In 1993, Auburn went 11-0, their best finish EVER, yet they sold out only TWO of their seven home games. The sellouts were for Bama, and Florida games. This decade, including this year, Auburn has never sold-out more than 3 home games in a season. This season Auburn has sold out just 1 home game, Ole Miss, because Ole Miss brought approximately 14,000 fans to watch the Rebels defeat their old coach.
8. For 4 of the last 5 years, at least one Auburn player or signee has been charged with at least one crime, ranging from simple assault to murder. The latest criminal, Clifton Robinson, was charged with raping a 15 year old girl earlier this year. This is not Clifton's first brush with the law. After signing with Auburn in 1997, Clifton was arrested that summer for stealing and forging checks.
7. "We'll end up having the No. 1 recruiting class in America", was the claim of Willie Northern, a 1998 signee of Auburn. The experts didn't agree ranking the Auburn class as 51st in the nation. 7 of the 28 players of that class failed to qualify, and Willie Northern himself was cut from the team this year.
6. After Tommy Tuberville tells all the prospects he contacted during the recruiting process this past season that Auburn would play FSU this fall, Auburn announces (after signing day) that they will BUY-OUT the game rather than play FSU. Auburn substitutes Appalachain St on their schedule. Coach Tuberville claimed he had no idea that Auburn would buy out the FSU game. Several weeks later, Tuberville admits that he did in fact know all along that Auburn intended on buying out the FSU game.
5. Auburn has the same number of SEC titles as Georgia Tech, who hasn't been a member of the SEC in 40 years.
4. How little tradition does Auburn have? In one year, 1992, Alabama was able to do 2 things that Auburn has not been able to do in 107 years. Win a National Championship while not under probation and win 13 games in a season. In fact, counting Auburn's wins from last year, and this year, under a best-case scenerio, Auburn won't win 13 games until September of next year. No word as of yet, whether Auburn intends on buying out Alabama.
3. When WR Robert Baker was arrested for selling and distributing cocaine in 1998, then coach Bowden immediately claimed Baker was a 'victim', and personally set up several visits with NFL scouts. Unfortunately, Baker was sentenced to 15 years in jail. 10 months later, Baker was released after serving less than a year of a 15-year sentence.
2. Alot of schools have had brushes with the NCAA. However, Auburn is truly in a class by themselves, when it comes to breaking the rules. Auburn is currently tied with being the most penalized team in history, and even their tennis and golf teams were put on probation...AT THE SAME TIME!!! Auburn cheated at TENNIS AND GOLF!!! Over the last 4 decades every Auburn football coach (except Tuberville), or AD, or BOTH, has had to appear before the NCAA Committee on Infractions for SERIOUS VIOLATIONS.
1. What do Camp Griffin, CENTRE HIGH SCHOOL, Davidson, George Washington, Georgia Navy P-F, Manhattan, Maxwell Field, Memphis, Santa Clara, Sewanee, SMU and Vanderbilt have in common? Auburn has an ALL-TIME losing record against each of these teams. I'm not sure which is worse, Centre High School or Vanderbilt? I guess that was before you could buy teams out of games.
TOP 10 AWBUN MOVIES OF ALL TIME
10. Big Momma's House --- Martin Lawrence stars as Chris Porter in this wacky tale of finding $50,000 to pay the rent on Momma's three-room house in Abbeville. As more and more agents show up, Cliff starts lyin', Mama starts cryin', Housel starts denyin' and the NCAA starts tryin' to figure out who really knew that Chris was gettin' the cash...
9. The Grapes of Wrath -- Quintessential Auburn story of poor farmers who get their ass kicked wherever they go. Henry Fonda stars as Shug Jordan Joad, Bear Bryant is the sherriff and the University of Alabama Alumni Association stars as all those rich, educated people conspiring to keep the poor ol' Aubs..I mean, Okies...down.
8. Dumb and Dumber --- Jim Carrey and Jeff Bridges star as two Auburn men who go to Colorado. Note the symbolic orange and blue tuxedos worn by our heroes in the wacky "party" scene. More comments on this movie later, since it is currently the topic of several doctoral dissertations in the AU English Department.
7. Gone In 60 Seconds --- Butch Davis takes the New York Jets job, Coach Tommy Tuberville gets a phone call from the University of Miami and he's ... Gone In 60 Seconds. Exciting action-adventure as TT tries to get across the Alabama state line before Bobby Lowder repossesses his vehicle.
6. The Wizard of Oz --- Long before Eddie Murphy played all those roles in "The Klumps," Auburn ex-coach Terry Bowden was playing the entire population of Munchkinland -- including the Mayor and the President of the Lollipop Guild -- in this family favorite. Also includes the song "If I Only Had a Brain," which finished second to "Old McDonald" in voting for the AU alma mater. And pay no attention to Mr. Lowder behind the curtain...
5. I Am Curious (Yellow) -- Exotic Swedish film about the 1999 Auburn-Florida State game. What happened to it? Where did it go? How long before AU claims it won the game? Features Jimmy Rane ("if it ain't yellow, it ain't Auburn") in a supporting role.
4. Natural Born Killers -- DeAndre Green and Mrs. Lorenzo Diamond play Mickey and Mallory as they go on a spree of gun-slinging violence that stretches from Chewacla State Park all the way to the Georgia line. Pat Dye has a memorable role as the stern disciplinarian who wants to bring the pair to justice by suspending them for the first play of the Wyoming game.
3. Star Wars -- Memorable characters abound Luke Tubwalker, trying to resist the dark side of evil Emperor Lowder. Terry Bowden as Yoda. David Housel as Jabba The Hutt. Shaun Alexander and Chris Samuels as Imperial Storm Troopers who kick butt right on Tubwalker's home planet of Jordan-Haria. (Freddie Milons and Kindall Moorehead play those roles in the sequel, due in November 2000) You've seen it before, but rent it again...
2. Deliverance -- A tender tale of manly love, Lee County-style. A special favorite on the Bunker for true-to-life lines like "Make him squeal like a pig." Cast features numerous banjo-playing Bunker members.
... and the No. 1 favorite in the Bunker poll.
1. Dumbo -- Coach Tommy Tuberville has his greatest role as the little elephant who learns to fly. Not only does he work under his given name, TT also does all his own ear work in the movie. Yes, the elephants emerge triumphant in the end ... but isn't that the way life is?
TOP 10 AWBUN FAN PARTY GAMES
10. Pin the awbie on the Donkey ...
9. Hide and Go Pee-Pee ...
8. Simon Says Something Intelligent ...
7. Spin the Bottle of White Lightin' ...
6. Who's Picture is in the Post Office? ...
5. What's my Lying? ...
4. 20 Questions Shouted in Your Good Ear ...
3. Constipation ...
2. Name That Jail Sentence ...
1. Musical Milk Stools !!!
Q & A TIME
Q: How do you break an Awbun guy's finger?
A: Punch him in the nose.
Q: What kind of jokes do they tell in Poland?
A: Awbun Jokes!
Q: Hear about the Awbun guy who lost $50 on the football game?
A: He lost $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay!
Q: Why did the Aubie marry the cow?
A: He had to.
Q: How can you tell when there's been an Aubie in your backyard?
A: The garbage is gone and your dog's pregnant.
Q: Did you hear about the Auburn athlete that won a Gold Medal at the Olympic game?
A: He was so proud of it that he had it bronzed!
Q: Why don't they teach sex ed and driver ed at Awburn in the same day?
A: They don't want the mule to get too tired!
Q: Why don't you see many Awburn Pharmacist?
A: They can't figure out how to put the medecine bottles in the printer!
Q. What is the definition of safe sex down at Auburn?
A. Placing a sign on the animals that kick...
Q. Why was the Auburn football team late for last year's game?
A. Because everytime they passed a sign for 'Clean Restrooms,' they did.
Q. How many Auburn students does it take to make popcorn?
A. Eleven. One to hold the pan and ten to shake the stove.
Q: How do you castrate an Awbun football player?
A: You hit his sister in the jaw!
Q: Did you hear about the Auburn student that married the cow?
A: He had to.
Q: How do you complement an Awbun fan?
A: Nice tooth.
Q: What do you call a line of John Deere tractors going down the road?
A: The Awbun Homecoming Parade.
Q: Did you hear about the Awbarn student that got killed getting a drink of water?
A: The commode lid fell on his/her head.
Q: Did you hear about the skeleton they just found in an old building at Awbun?
A: It was the 1938 hide and seek champion.
Q: Did you hear that they outlawed "the wave" at Jordan-Hare Stadium?
A: Two poor Awbun fans drowned at a game last year.
Q: Why don't Awbun grads use 911 in an emergency?
A: Because they can't find "eleven" on the phone dial.
Q: How can you tell an Awbun grad is on location at a drilling rig?
A: He's the one throwing bread to the helicopters.
Q: How many Awbun students does it take to eat an armadillo?
A: Three. One to do the eating, and two to watch for cars.
Q: Why don't Awbun fans eat barbecue beans?
A: Because they keep falling through the holes in the grill.
Q: What do you call an Awbun fan with no brothers or sisters?
A: A virgin
Q: What do you get if you cross a Tennessee football player with a Auburn cheerleader?
A: Nothing! There is somethings even a Tennessee football player won't do!
Q: How can you tell your getting close to Auburn?
A: If you stop to take a piss the Cows will back up to the fence!
Q: How can you tell when a aweburn cheerleader is having her time of the month?
A: One of her socks is missing!
Q: Why did they cancel the Christmas play on the Awbun campus last year?
A: They couldn't find three wise men or a virgin.
Q: What's the difference between Terry Bowden and a brand new puppy?
A: Eventually the puppy will quit whining.
Q: What does sperm and an Awbun Nat'l Champhionship drive have in common?
A: They both have about a 1 in 1,000,000 chance of succeeding!
Q. What is the difference between a nun after Mass and an Awbun cheerleader getting out of the shower?
A. The nun has a "soul filled with hope".
Q: What does a tornado and a Awbun cheerleader have in common?
A: Both eventually end up in trailer parks.
Q: What is the difference between a Awbun cheerleader and a toilet bowl?
A: The toilet bowl doesn't follow you around for a week after you use it.
Q: How many Aubies does it take to roof a house?
A: Depends on how you slice 'em.
Q: What is the difference between Jordan-Hare Stadium and a porcupine?
A: A porcupine has 85,000 pricks on the outside!
Q: What is the difference between an Awbun cheerleader and a catfish?
A: One has whiskers and smells; the other is a fish.
Q: What do you get when you cross an Awbun cheerleader with a pig?
A: Nothing. There are some things even a pig won't do.
Q: Do you know what hangs 18 inches between his legs and is 6 inches off the ground?
A: Terry Bowden's tie.
Q: Know why the girls don't play 'Hide 'n Seek' in Awboville?
A: Nobody'd look for 'em.
Q: What do you call a dead pig sittin' on a tractor that won't start?
A: The Awbun Homecoming parade.
Q: Hear about the Awbie who took his girl to the zoo?
A: They wouldn't keep her.
Q: What has 98 legs & 49 teeth?
A: An Awbun Sor/Frat party.
Q. How can we tell that the toothbrush was invented in Awbun?
A. Had it been invented elsewhere, it would have been called a "teethbrush."
Q: What is the definition of a Awbun virgin?
A1: An ugly twelve year old who can outrun her brothers.
A2: No such thing.
Q: What's the difference between trash and Awbun trash?
A: Absolutely nothing. They both drive around in dump trucks, smell like crap, and get more and more rotten each day.
Q: What's the difference between an awb girl and a bedspread?
A: The bedspread doesn't get turned down as often.
Q: What's made of metal, plastic, rubber, and glass and comes in 5000 parts?
A: A used car in auboville.
Q: How do you keep an awb girl from biting her nails?
A: Make her wear shoes.
Q: What does an Awbun girl say after sex?
A: Get off me Daddy, yer crushin' ma cigarettes.
Q: Why do Awbun women like to be on top?
A: So they don't swallow their tobacco.
Q: Why do migrating birds fly upside down over Awboville?
A: They figure there's nothing down there worth crapping on!
Q: What's the most popular show in Awboville?
A: 90 Minutes. They have to slow it down to half speed so they can understand it.
Q: How do you know you're in an Awbun bar?
A: If you call the number on the rest room wall you get the Farm Report.
Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on the arm of an Awbun fan?
A: A Tattoo!
Q: Do you know the directions to Auburn?
A: South to you smell it. East till you step in it.
Q: Why doesn't Terry Bowden wear cowboy boots?
A: They chap his rear end.
Q. What's the difference between God and Terry Bowden?
A. God never pretended to be Terry Bowden.
Q. How is the Auburn football team like a possum?
A. They play dead at home and get killed on the road.
Q: What does Awbun and 7-up have in common?
A: Never had it, never will.
Q: What's the difference between an Awbie and a lawnmower?
A: Nothing. They're both hard to start, emit foul oders, and don't work half the time.
Q: What's the most useless thing in an Awbie's house?
A: The Awbie
Q: What does an Awbun grad say to a Bama grad?
A: You want fries with that?
Q. Why does Awbun have to play Alabama every year?
A. Because the run out of people to play because the stink.
Q: Why do teams that play Awburn try to avoid real turf?
A: Half time takes too long with the Awburn cheerleaders grazing on the field.
Q: Whats orange and blue, 100 yards long and has 1 tooth?
A: The front row at Jordan-Hare stadium.
Q: Why is Auburn located so close to the West Point-Pepperell mill?
A: Inexhaustible supply of crying towels.
Q: Define "Separated at Birth".
A: Terry Bowden and that turtle in the Bugs Bunny Cartoon!
Q: How do you get the Awbun grad off your front porch.
A: Pay him for the pizza and tip him well.
Q: Why does Terry Bowden look so much like a gopher?
A: Joe Paterno had a lock on weasel!
Q: What's the smallest book in the world?
A: The Awbun book of football heros.
Q: What is the differce between a Awbun Cheerleader and a heifer?
A: 20 pounds.
Q: How do you make them the same?
A: Forcefeed the heifer.
Q: How many Awbies does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: None. They just stand around and threaten it.
A2: None. That's a sophomore course.
Q: What do you call 12 angry men in an Awboville courtroom?
A: The harvesting crew.
Q: Why don't Awbies water ski?
A: They can find any pools that slope.
Q: What do you call a dead Awbie in a closet?
A: 1985 Hide-n-Seek champion!
Q: How do you starve an Awbie?
A: Hide the food stamps under the soap.
Q: How is being at an Awbun bar different than being at a circus?
A: At the circus the clowns don't talk.
Q: Did you hear about Bo Jackson getting a new car?
A: It has 2 left turn signals!
Q: Did you hear about the two auburn football players that died at the drive-in last week?
A: They were waiting for the movie "Closed for the Winter" to start!
Q: What do you get when you cross an Awbun cheerleader with a convertable?
A: An ugly girl who's top comes off easily.
Q: What do you have with 159 parents, 21 kids, and a couple of dozen farm animals in 1 room?
A: A normal PTA meeting in Awboville?
Q: What's blue and orange, lies on the other side of the road, and stinks?
A: A dead Awbu fan.
Q: How can you tell a 1st Grade Primer is from Awboville?
A: Jane's a dog, too.
Q: Why did the Wwb spend 3 hrs in the car wash?
A: He thought it was raining too hard, so he didn't go anywhere.
Q: What does an Awb fisherman do when his boat springs a leak?
A: Drills a hole in the other end to let the water out.
Q: What do you get when you cross a white rat with an Awbun coed?
A: There are some things even a rat won't do!
Q: Why do Awbun alumni hang their diplomas on the rear view mirror.
A: So they can use handicapped parking.
Q: What's the difference between an Awb and a new dog?
A: After a year, the dog is still happy to see you.
Q: What is the differance between an Awbun grad and a bucket of crap?
A: The bucket.
Q: If an Alabama grad and an Awbun grad were standing on top of a tall tower, how could you tell them apart?
A: The Alabama grad would never throw crumbs to the helicopters.
Q: Do you know why they don't let students drive at Awbun?
A: They keep getting their legs caught in the steering wheel while trying to use the dimmer switch.
Q: Heard Terry Bowden was only dressing 15 players for the football game.
A: Yeah...supposedly, the rest can dress themselves!
Q: How can you tell when an Awbie is a married man?
A: There will be chawing tobacco juice running down both doors of his pickup!
Q: Why do Awbies sing when they use the restroom?
A: So they know which end to wipe when there finished.
Q: What does an Awbun grad call an Alabama grad?
A: "Boss"
Q: What do you call a handcuffed Awbunite?
A: Trustworthy.
Q: Why are Awbunite like commercials?
A: You can't believe a word they say.
Q: What do you instantly know about a well-dressed Awbie?
A: The department store worker did a nice job picking out his clothes.
Q: What is the difference between an Awbie and childbirth?
A: One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.
Q: Did you hear the one about the Awbie that pulled a 5 pounder outa his nose?
A: His head imploded before he could eat it.
Q: What is the difference between a 40-year-old Bama grad and a 40-year-old Awbun grad?
A: The 40-yr-old Bama grad thinks often of having children and the 40-yr-old Awbun grad thinks often about dating them, especially when they are family related.
Q: What is the difference between an Awbun divorce and tornado?
A: I don't know either but someone's gonna loose a trailer.
Q: Why are the Awbun cheerleaders no longer invited to Alabama home games?
A: Too hard to stop them from grazing on the field after the halftime show is over.
Q: What do you call a beautiful girl on the Awbu campus?
A: A visitor.
Q: What did the Awbie say when he caught his wife making love to his best friend?
A: Down Fido!
Q: Why don't they serve ice water at Awbun football games anymore?
A: The guy with the recipe died.
Q: What's the difference between Awbun men and Awbun Coeds?
A: The men can spit further.
Q: 3 football players are riding in a car: 1 from Awbun, 1 from Tennessee, and 1 from Florida. Who's driving?
A: The State Trooper.
Q: How can you tell an Awbie coyote?
A: He's chewed off 3 legs, and he's still in the trap.
Q: Did you hear about the Awbun faith healer?
A: He made the blind lame.
Q: How many Awbun fans does it take to change a tire?
A: Four - one to change the tire and three to reminisce about the old one!
Q: Did you hear about the Awbie who started his own circus?
A: His star sideshow performer was the bearded man.
Q: How do you know when you're staying in an Awbun hotel?
A: When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink", the Awbie at the desk says, "Go ahead."
Q: How do you come to own a small business in Alabama?
A: Start a large business and put an Awbun grad in charge of it.
Q: Did you hear about the Awbun grad who joined the Navy?
A: He was on shore leave and spent $50 to spend the night in a warehouse.
Q: What's a grudge?
A: The place where a Awbun fan parks his car.
Q: How many Awbun fans does it take to replace a light bulb?
A: Three, one to change it a two to talk about how good the old one was.
Q: How long does an Awbie play football?
A: Until he gets caught doing things the Awbun way (probation).
Q: Do you know what they are putting on the bottom of coke bottles at Awbun?
A: Open other end.
Q: How about the new Awbun student driving to school and ran across a highway sign just out of town that said "Awbun left"?
A: He turned around and went back home...
Q: Did you hear about the Awb who was elected dogcatcher?
A: He knew he was supposed to catch dogs ... but he didn't know at what.
Q: What's the difference between a awbum fan and a drunk?
A: The drunk doesn't go to team meetings.
Q: Why don't secretaries at Awbun get coffee breaks?
A: Costs too much to retrain them.
Q: Why can't Awbun Alum make chocolate chip cookies?
A: Takes too long to peel the M&Ms.
Q: Whats the similarity between an inteligent Awbun fan and superman?
A: Neither of them exist!
Q: Do you know why the War Eagle died?
A: It starved to death - the Awbun players were supposed to feed it on the way to CLASS!
Q: What did the Awbun city council do to slow the birth rate down in Awbun?
A: They outlawed family reunions.
Q: What do you call 32 Awbun coeds lined up?
A: A full set of teeth!
Q: Did you hear that Awbun has found a new use for sheep?
A: Yeah ... wool!
Q: Do you know how to tell which girls at Awbun are level headed?
A: The snuff runs out of both corners of her mouth.
Q: Did you hear about the Awbie who crossed a turkey with a porcupine?
A: He wanted to save time pickin' his tooth at Thanksgivin'!
Q: What does Auburn's football team and a tampon have in common?
A: They both are only good for one period and have one string.
Q: What's dumb?
A: Directions on toilet paper.
Q: What's dumber than that?
A: An Awbie reading them.
Q: Even dumber?
A: An Awbie reading them and learning something.
Q: Dumbest of all?
A: An Awbie reading them and having to correct something they've been doing wrong!
Q: What does it mean when an Auburn baby drools out of both sides of its mouth?
A: It means the trailer is level.
Q: Why does an Auburn grad whistle while he's taking a crap?
A: So he knows which end to wipe when he's done.
Q: Did you hear that the President's Mansion at Auburn burned down last night?
A: Yep... and it almost destroyed the rest of the trailer park, too!
Q: How do you confuse an Awbun laborer?
A: Lay down three shovels and tell him to take his pick.
Q: How can you tell if an Awbun grad has sent you a fax?
A: There's a stamp on it!
Q: What is long and hard on an Aubie?
A. The first grade.
Q. What did the Awbie say when he caught his wife making love to his best friend?
A. Down Fido!
Q. Why doesn't the Awburn football team have its own webpage?
A. Because they can't put 3 W's together.
Q. What's the difference between a dead Aubie in the middle of the road and a dead Vandy Commodore in the middle of the road?
A. The Commodore may have been on the way to the SEC Championship Game.
Q: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
A: They had pictures of Auburn players on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
Q: What's the difference between a female Auburn fan and a pit bull?
A: Lipstick.
Q: If you see an Auburn fan on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.
Q: What do you have when 100 Auburn fans are buried up to their neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: What is the difference between a Auburn fan and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
Q: What is the diff between an Auburn cheerleader and hippo.
A: 50 pounds and a sweaty Tee shirt
Q: Did you hear about the Florida linebacker that stole a police car?
A: He saw "911" on the side and thought it was a Porsche.
Q: Why do Awbun cheerleaders wear bibs?
A: To keep the tobacco juice off their uniforms.
Q: What does the average Awbun football player get on his SAT?
A: Drool
You're probably an Awbun fan if...
- You have your coffee with two lumps ...your wife and your mother-in-law!
- You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'
- You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
- Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
- You've ever used lard in bed.
- There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
- You consider a 6-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
- The primary color of your car is "bondo".
- You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
- More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.
- Your home has more miles on it than your car.
- Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
- You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
- You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
- The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
- Your family tree doesn't fork.
- Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
- You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
- You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
- You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
- Your wife says she wants to see the world and you buy her a map.
- You feed your dogs so poorly that they commit suicide.
- Fewer than half of your cars run.
- Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her butt.
- You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.
- Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sporting event.
- The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
- Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
- You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
- Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
- The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
- You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
- The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
- Your favorite christmas present, was a painting on black velvet.
- You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
- You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
- You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
- The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!" "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin?"
- You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
- Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
- You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
- You've ever used a weedeater indoors.
- You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
- Your richest relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels and skirt.
- Your girlfriend uses Raid for deoderant.
- You have a girlfriend that doesn't like mud-wrestlin' 'cause of havin' to take a bath afterwards.
- You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
- You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
- Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
- You go to a Tupperware party for a haircut.
- You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
- Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
- Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
- Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
- The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
- Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
- Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
- You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
- You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
- Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".
- You took your coon dogs on your honeymoon.
- You drive across town to see a car wreck.
- Your Mama saves aluminum foil.
- You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
- Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
- You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
- You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occassions.
- You have to scratch your sisters name out of the message: "For a good time call . .", because you feel guilty about putting it there...
- Your family has a sit-down dinner at a vending machine.
- It's impossible to see food stains on the fabric of your work uniform.
- The fountain at your wedding spewed beer instead of champagne.
- Redman sends you a Christmas card.
- Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
- You've ever barbecued spam on the grill.
- You time your belches to achieve a personal best.
- Your new job promotion means the company foots the bill to have your name sewn on your shirts.
- Your favorite restaurant has the word "eats" anywhere in the name.
- Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
- You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
- You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
- You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
- You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
- After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.
- The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.
- You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
- Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it."
- Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
- You mow your lawn and find a car.
- If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes (if you have them) a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
- You go christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
- You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
- You think a dry town is one where the fish can't swim.
- Your art museum is a painted turtle.
- A storm does $1 million of improvements to your house.
- You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
- You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
- You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
- You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
- You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
- There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
- You've ever made change in the offering plate.
- If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year,"
- You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve...
- You own at least 20 baseball hats.
- You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
- You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
- When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank!
- Your biggest ambition in live is to "git thet big'ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah bubba's barn..."
- Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.
- When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobbaco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.
- You have 5 cars that are immobile and house that is!
- Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end"
- "Honey? Are the lights out? Is the door locked? Is the parking brake set?" is what you hear right before you and your wife/girl make love
- Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
- You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertable top.
- Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
- You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.
- You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
- You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
- You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
- You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
- You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
- Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
- There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
- The theme song at your high school prom was `Friends in Low Places'
- It's Easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
- You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.
- You idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby!"
- The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
- Yer mom calls ya over t'help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house
- Ya have to check in the bottom yer shoe for change so ya can get grandma a new plug of tobacco
- Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle
- Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law against it.
- Ya celebrate groundhog day (cause ya believe in it!!)
- You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado
- Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
- You wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.
- Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
- "Buck Naked Line Dancing" isn't a videotape, it's "Ladies Night" at the local bar.
- Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
- You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
- You're moved to tears everytime you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".
- Dolly Parton reminds you of the `Grand Tetons'. (of course this is a very sophisticated sophisticated redneck joke... if you laughed...you must be a redneck, only they will get this one.)
- You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.
- Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center. (Clinton true-life story)
- The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (your insurance man is one too if he pays you for it).
- You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight with Alan Jackson.
- You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
- You've ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose!
- You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
- Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
- You've ever parked a Camero in a tree.
- Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
- You fantasize about tractors and farm animals - maybe not in that order.
- You do a good impression of a dog chokin' on a chikin bone.
- The Rotor-Rooter man drives by your trailer and says "What's that smell?"
- You've ever been asked for your autograph at a 'possum hunt.
- You attend a parent-teacher conference wearing flip-flops and a tank top.
- Pictures of your family reunion win 1st Prize on America's Funniest Home Videos.
- Your baby's crib mobile is made out of beer cans.
- You've used that 'Hair in a Can" spray for your cow's bald spot.
- While serving in Viet Nam you had flash-backs about awbum.
- Your wife ruined her panty hose rubbin' up against the dried boogers on the front seat of your truck.
Awbun Computer Technology:
Log on -- Making the wood stove hotter
Log off -- Don't add more wood.
Download -- Gettin the farwood ofn the truck.
Floppy disk -- Whut you get from carrying too much farwood.
Ram -- That thang whut splits the farwood.
Hard Drive -- Gettin' home in the wintertime.
Prompt -- What the mail ain't in the wintertime.
Windows -- What to shut when it's cold outside.
Chip -- vittles to eat when yu're sitting in front of the tv.
Microchip -- Whut's left in the munchie bag.
Modem -- Whacha done to the hayfield.
Dot Matrix -- Ol' Dan Matirx's wife.
Lap top -- Whar the kittycat sleeps.
Software -- Them dang plastic forks and spoons.
Mouse -- Whut you put out D-Con for. Also fun to pick off with a .22.
Main Frame -- Whut holds the barn roof up.
Random Access Memory -- When you cain't member what you paid fer yer new rifle when yer wife asks you.
Auburn foreplay: "Daisy Mae, ar' ya 'wake??"
There was this Alabama guy, Penn St. guy, and Awbun guy hitchiking on the road. They get a ride with a guy with a pickup truck, and hop in the back. They travel down the road and are goin' around a corner when the driver loses control and goes over a cliff into a big body of water. The truck sinks to the bottom and the driver manages to escape. About 20 seconds later, the Alabma guy comes outta the water...about 20 more seconds, the Penn St. guy comes outta the water...about 1 minutes passes and by then the police have arrived (quick police). The police ask if there was anyone else in the truck, and they told the policeman that an Awbun guy was still down there. So the Alabama guy goes back in the water to see why the Awbun guy hadn't come up yet...he comes back a little later and tells the cop, "Oh, that Awbun guy is just down there still trying to get the tailgate down!"
So anyway, this Awbun guy got married, but he was too dumb to know what to do on his wedding night.
"For Pete's sake, Bubba," said his bride, "you take that thing you play with and you put it where I pee."....So he got up and threw his bowling ball in the sink.
Gene Stallings, Phil Fulmer, and Terry Bowden were walking down a country road together when they came upon this pig stuck in the fence by it's head. The pig was wiggling and shaking its butt trying to get free, butt stuck out in the road. Gene Stallings looks at the pig's butt and says, "You know, I wish that was Farrah Fawcett right there." Phil Fulmer says, "Oh yeah? I wish it was Cindy Crawford." Terry Bowden says "I wish it was dark."
Two Bama players were jumping on a man-hole cover in downtown B'ham yelling "thirteen, thirteen". An Aubie came by and asked, "What are y'all playing?" "A new game", they replied, "Wanna play?" "Sure", he said, and the Aubie stood on the man-hole cover shouting, "thirteen, thirteen". As he jumped, the Bama players grabbed away the cover, and the Aubie disappeared into the hole. They slammed down the cover and jumped on cheering, "fourteen, fourteen...".
Two childhood friends reach college age, and only one gets accepted to Alabama. The other is forced to attend that other school. Around Christmas time, the Alabama student gets a Christmas card from his friend at Auburn with a picture of three fireman on the front. Puzzled, he calls his buddy & asks about it. His Auburn friend asks, in great amazement, "Haven't you ever heard of the three wise men come from a far?"
An Alabama fan is in Auburn for the Game. Before the game, he's eating some ribs and wishin' he was at Dreamland. He begins choking on a bone. Two Auburn students, noticing his distress, decide to help. One drops his pants and gets down on his hands and knees. The other begins vigorously licking the first's posterior. Revolted, the Alabama fan vomits up the offending bone. The two Auburn students stand up & one smugly says to the other, "Told you that Hind Lick manouver we learned in class would come in handy someday."
There was 2 awbun fans going to six flags. They were really excited because they had never been to six flags before. So they were riding along and they saw this sign that said Six Flags Left. So they turned around and went home.
Three awbies decided to visit the Olympics in Atlanta. Arriving at the site without tickets they found a sign that said, "Open to competitors, ONLY."
Awbie No.1 found a trash can lid nearby and entered the gate saying, "United States, Discuss."
Awbie No. 2 grabbed a stick nearby and entered the gate saying, "United States, Javelin."
Awbie No. 3 picked up sopme barbed wire and approached the gate and said, United States, Fencing."
Two Auburn graduates get married after matriculating. Early the next morning, the father of the groom is awakened by a pounding on the front door. Standing there on the porch is the groom, extremely agitated.
The father asks "Son, what are you doing here? You should be enjoying your honeymoon at the Motel 6."
"But Daddy, it's just awful. She's a virgin."
"Well, son, you should be proud. That's a rare thing in this day and age."
"But Daddy, if she ain't good enough for her family, she sure ain't good enough for ours."
A couple (husband - Alabama alumnus, wife - Awbun alumnus) had recently been married, knowing of the differences in opinion they shared when it came to football. One day they walked into a restaurant, and the husband saw the mother putting an Awbun sweatshirt on their child. He cleverly replied with, "Look Honey...THAT'S THE WORST FORM OF CHILD ABUSE I'VE EVER SEEN!"
There was this Awbun man and his wife playing golf when the wife hit a bad hook off the tee and broke out this big picture window in this house. The husband said,"Let's go over there and see if anyone is at home." Well, they drove the golf cart over to the house and looked in the window. They didn't see anyone. So the husband goes around front to ring the doorbell on the house when he sees this man with a genie outfit on motioning for them to come inside. So the Awbun guy and his wife go inside to tell the man they will pay for the window. Then they get inside, and the man thanks them so much. The Awbun couple is confused..."We just want to pay for the window we broke."
The guy replied, "NO. Do you see that vase on the table that is broken?"
The couple replied, "Yes."
"Well, I have been in that vase for one hundred eleven years. Now I am free. For that, I will grant you 3 wishes. NO. I mean 2 wishes...2 for you and 1 for me.", replied the genie.
The couple talk it over and come to a conclusion. For the 1st wish, we want to be scratch golfers. The genie says okay....The 2nd wish, we want a million dollars every year for the rest of our lives. The geniw says okay...
"Now it's my turn," the genie replied. "I want to have sex with your wife."
The Awbun couple looks at each other and says that he has given us our wishes so what can it hurt? So the genie and the Awbun guy's wife go to the bedroom. About 30 minutes later they start putting their clothes back on. As the Awbun woman puts on her blouse, the genie asks how long they have been married? She replied about 3 years.
The genie replies, "So how long have you and your husband believed in Genies????"
Terry Bowden had his Awbun team out at the flag pole one day, with the hopes of getting another one. Gene Stallings came walking by and said, "Terry, what are you and your team doing?"
Terry replied, "Well Gene, we are trying to measure the flagpole for a new one." Well Gene sat there and watched one Awbun player climb the pole and at halfway he slid down. Then the next Awbun player tried climbing the pole and slid down at the halfway mark. Gene watched for about an hour as each Awbun player had a try at measuring this pole. Finally he got up and said, "Terry, if you want the measurement of this pole, why don't you take it out of the ground and lay it down, then measure it?" Terry responded with, "Gene, we are trying to measure the height of this pole, not the width!!!"
An Awbun girl is completing registration when she is approached to enroll in a logic class. She says she is not sure what logic is so the Awbun Professor offers an example. He asks, "Does your Dad have a weed-eater" and she replies "Yes". He continues, "Then he must have a lawn?" and "yes again" she replies. "So I assume if he has a lawn he must have a home." "Yes", she says again. "Well if he has a home and you are here, I deduce he must have a wife and family." "Of course", she says! "Then, logically, your father is a heterosexual!!" The student thought this was great and enrolled in the class. As she left, an Awbun freshman approached and asked her how to get to registration. She told him and encouraged him to enroll on the logic class. Well, he did not know about logic and she quickly gave him an example. "Does your father have a weed-eater," she asked. "No," replied the boy. The young lady thought for a moment then replied, "Faggot"
A recent survey among female college students asked them how their boyfriends proposed marriage:
-- 55% of the men in Ivy League colleges got down on one knee in the traditional manner and asked, "Will you marry me?"
-- 61% of the men in western state universities popped the question at a romantic, candle-lite dinner saying, "I want to spend the rest of my life with you as your husband."
-- 66% of the men in mid-western universities asked permission of the bride-to-be's father and then asked the bride-to-be, "Please be my wife forever?"
-- 92% of the men at Awbun said, "You're gonna have a what?"
Do the folowing:
Stand as high as possible on the tips of your toes. Reach your arms as high as possible above your head. Palms forward, clinch your fists. Tilt slightly forward and take VERY SMALL steps.
You have just demonstrated Terry Bowden mowing his lawn.
Two Awbun grads were working on a house. One of them was on a ladder nailing. He'd reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail, look at it, and either toss it over his shoulder or proceed to nail it into the wood. The other Awbun grad couldn't stand it any longer and yells, "Why are you throwing away some of the nails?" The first Awbun grad explained, "When I pull it out of my nail pouch, if it's pointed toward me I throw it away. If it's pointed toward the house, then I can use it!" The second Awbun grad got real excited and called him all kinds of names, explaining, "Don't throw away those nails that are pointed toward you! They're for the other side of the house!!"
There was an Alabama student, a tennessee student, and an awbun student running from the police with bloodhounds. They ran through the woods and thought that when the came to a stream they could cause the bloodhounds to loose their scent, but the bloodhounds were well trained and kept on the trail. After about 10 minutes the Alabama student told the tennesse and awbun student to go ahead and he would try to distract the bloodhounds so they could get away. The Alabama student climbed a tall tree and when the bloodhounds got to the tree they all stopped and went to barking and howling up the tree. The police tried shining a light up the tree, but the Bama was so well hidden the police couldn't see him, but the dogs wouldn't let up. Finally the Bama student started hooting like an owl, and the police knew the dogs distracted, so they finally got the dogs back on the trail of the tennessee and awbun students. Just before the bloodhound caught up with the remaining fugitives, the tennessee student told the awbun student that he was too tired to run any more and he would climb at tree and distract the dogs until the awbun student could get away. When the bloodhounds got to the tree that the tennessee student had climbed they once again gathered around the tree and began barking and howling. The ut student started hissing like a oppossum, and the police finally got the bloodhounds back on the trail of the awbun student. The aubie began to get tired again and thought that since the Bama student and ut student outwitted the dogs and police he would do the same, so he climbed the nearest tree. The bloodhounds all gathered around the base of the tree and once again began to howl and bark. When the police looked up the tree the awbun student went MOOOOOO.
Two Awbun guys go to the beach for a big weekend of action. The first day, they get no attention from the girls; however, they see two Bama guys, each with a beautiful girl on their arm. At the end of the day, the Awbun guys summon the courage to approach the Bama guys and ask what the Awbun guys can do to attact girls. The Bama guys look over the Awbun guys and say "next time, put a potato in your bathing suit". The Awbun guys look at each other and decide it is worth a try. The next day, not only do they NOT get anywhere with the girls, the girls are actually RUNNING AWAY and SCREAMING at the Awbun guys. They find the Bama guys at the end of the day and ask, "What is it?? We did just what you said and even put a potato in our bathingsuit. Why can't we get girls?" The Bama guys looked at the Awbun guys again and said-- "Next time, but the potato in the FRONT!"
A recent survey on college campuses ask students "What would like to be when you graduate?"
-- 73% of the students at Harvard said they plan on being the CEO of a major corporation.
-- 71% of the students at John Hopkins Medical School said they hoped to be a competent physician or care giver.
-- 68% of the students at Stanford University's School of Law said they wanted to achieve excellence in public service.
-- 89% of the students at awbun said "Oh, I don't know ... 35 or 40."
An Awbun grad decides to raise chickens. So, he goes to the feed store and buys some chicks. He takes the chicks home, and plants them with their heads sticking up. He waters them, but they die. He goes back to the feed store and tells the proprietor that he bought defective chicks, and gets another set. This time he plants them with their heads sticking down. He waters them, but they die. He then sends a letter to his Alma Mater, describing the problem. They send a letter back asking for a soil sample.
An Awbie was stranded alone on a desert island for 3 years when one day he spots a beautiful woman in a scuba diving wet suit wading out of the surf. He rushed over and helped her off with her diving tanks. "I'm here to grant you 3 wishes," she says to him. "Anything you want I can give you."
"Well," he stammered, "I haven't smoked in 3 years." She pulled a pack of cigaretts and matches out of her wet suit. He gratefully took them and lit up. "This is GREAT!," he said between puffs. "I'd give anything for a beer, right now." She nodded and took a beer out of her leg pocket. "I've got one LAST wish," he said. "C'mon baby, you know what I want. She unzipped the pocket on the bag she was carrying and handed him a possum.
These three executives would eat lunch on the top of the tallest building in Atlanta along with some of the other employees. One day the Tennessee grad said, "if my lunch is bologna (sp), I'm going to jump off this roof." Sure enough, it was and he jumped. The Florida grad said, "If I've got peanut butter, I'm jumping too." It was and he did. The Awbun grad said, "If I've got ham sandwiches, I'm jumping too." It was and he dove off to his death too.
They had all three funerals together and let the wives speak. The Tennessee grad said if she knew her husband hated bologna, she wouldn't have packed it in his lunch. The Florida grad's wife said she wouldn't have packed peanut butter if she'd known. The Awbun grad's wife said, "Well, I don't know what to say. He packed his own lunch."
An Awbun player wanted some money so he asked his coach. The coach sent him to a big booster. The booster said that he needed his porch painted and that there was a can of paint in the garage. About an hour later the Awbie came back and said he was through but it wasn't a "porch" (Porsche') he had painted; it was a Jaguar....
This ex-Awbun football player had been in school so long pursuing his degree that the faculty and alumni were beginning to be embarassed. One prof came up with the "bright" idea to put the chump in Jordan-Hare stadium and ask him one question infront of the student body. If he answers correctly, he gets his degree. So on the big day Bubba walks calmly to the 50 yard line and fields his question: "What is one plus one?" After 10 suspense-filled minutes he blurts out "two!" and the whole Awbie student body goes, "Oooooooh give him another chance!!"
These two Awbun students are at a game and at half time a dog runs onto the field, sits down, and proceeds to lick himself (as all dogs like to do). Said one Awbie to the other, "Man don't you wish you could do that?" Replied the other confidently "man don't you know that dog would bite you?"
An aubie was sent to the store to buy toilet paper. He bought scented paper, but what he couldn't figure out was WHEN he was supposed to smell it.
Ice is no longer available in the drinks at the cafeterias at Awbun. The senior who knew the recipe graduated.
Two Awbunites were in a bar partying like fools. They were drinking boiler makers, buying rounds & yee hawin' ! When asked why the celebration, they boasted that they just finished a jigsaw puzzle and it only took them 2 months! "TWO MONTHS?!" cried the bartender. "That's ridiculous. It shouldn't take that long!!" "Oh yeah?" says one Awbunite. "The box said 2 - 4 YEARS!"
Two Awbies are out hunting. Suddenly a bird flies over and drops a little "deposit" right on the head of the first Awbie. The second Awbie says "Hey, you want me to run back to the mobile home and get you some tissue?" to which the first Awbie replies, "Are you crazy? That bird will be miles away by the time you get back!"
Two Awbies went huntin' near the Georgia line. Directly a vivacious, young, buxom thang emerged from the bushes. 'Are you game?', one Awbie asked. 'Yes,' she replied seductively. So he shot her.
Dreadful news in auburn. They say the libary burned down. Just terrible. I hear they lost both thier coloring books.
Contrary to popular belief, Bear & Shug were good friends. Once upon a time the were on a road trip and Shug felt the call of nature. Bear pulled off the road and Shug ran into the brush. In a moment, Bear hears a voice saying, "Bear, there is nothing back here to wipe with." Bear replied, "Hell Shug, use some leaves or something." Shug says, "There's nothing in reach." So Bear says "Have you got a dollar?" "I think so," says Shug. In a few minutes, Shug shows up at the car door with his hands covered with with you know what. Bear says, "What happened? I thought you were going to use a dollar." Shug replied, "I did, but have you ever tried to wipe your butt with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel?"
An industrial engineer was visiting the Awbun experiment station. During the visit he saw an Awbie feeding pigs in a most extraordinary manner. The Awbie would lift a pig up to a nearby apple tree and the pig would eat the apples directly off the tree. The Awbie would move the pig from one apple to another until the pig was satisfied, then he would start again with another pig. The engineer watched this activity for some time with astonishment. Finally he could not resist saying to the Awbie, "This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can imagine. Just think of the time that would be saved if you simply shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them from the ground!" The Awbie looked puzzled and replied, "What does time mean to a pig?"
You know you're from Awbun when you discover your phone book has only 1 yellow page.
You know you're in Awbun when the mayer changes the name of "lover's Lane" to "Sex Drive."
You're probably from Awbun if the best fun in town is to move away.
Awbun doesn't have a town idiot. They all take turns!!!!
During the latest beauty contest in Awbun, the contestants were so ugly nobody came in first, second, third, or fourth.
An Awbie takes a girl out on a date. After dinner and a movie, the Awbie drives up to Lover's Lane and asks the girl if he could get a little kiss. "Sure!" says the girl. So, **smack**, the Awbie kissed the girl. "Mmmm, that was good," said the girl. Then she added, "Would you like to go a little further?" At that point the Awbie cranked the truck and drove on down the road.
A Bama guy walks into a bar, orders a drink and asks the bartender if he wants to hear an Awbun joke. He says ok but that he is an Awbun fan. He also points out that the guy at the end of the bar is an Awbun fan. He then states that the guy at the back table is an Awbun fan along with the guy at the jukebox. The fellow that just walked in the door is an Awbun fan too. Do you still want to tell the joke? The Bama guy says "Are you kidding? Then I'd have to explain it five times!!"
During an oral exam on history, an Awbie professor asked each student to name the most mystifying invention of the 20th century. One Awbie student responded that the thermos bottle was the most mystifying invention. When asked why, he explained: "It keeps the hot stuff hot. It keeps the cold stuff cold. How does it know?"
A local contractor had a job to set telephone poles during the summer .
The contractor wanted to be fair so he hired two crews. One composed of Alabama Students and the other composed of Awburn Students. Each had twentyfive poles and a truck, so on the first day he said, "This will determine which school has the brightest and hardest working students. The first truck back with the poles set wins.
Well around 4:00 pm the Bama Truck comes Rolling In. The boys got out hot and dirty and started celebrating the victory!
The contractor and the Bama Boys waited for the Awburn truck and around 9:00 pm the Awburn boys finally came spinning into the shop looking like they had just been to Hell and back. The foreman came running up in his white shirt and tie with his headpones on literally sreaming at the contractor.
"Boss those Bama Boys have cheated !! We drove by the poles they done set and every dang one of them are sticking up out of the ground!
This Awbie tells his momma he wants to be an FBI agent. His momma knows his bus doesn't stop at all the stops -- that is, he's slow; tetched; a mite pitiful; needs watchin', you know ... just naturally dumb. So she says, "Son, I don't know. That FBI stuff can be awfully hard." "Momma," he says, "I'm gonna be an agent. I know I can do it."
So he takes the bus to Washington DC and walks into the FBI building. He finds the employment office and announces he wants to join the FBI. The Personnel Manager says, "Well son, let me ask you a few questions." The Awbie agrees. "If you went outside, which way would you run?" asked the manager. "This way or that," says the Awbie. "Good answer." says the manager. "How many days of the week start with the letter 'T'?" he asks. "Two." says the Awb. "What are they?" the manager asks. "Today and tomorrow." the Awb replies. "Very Good!!!" says the manager. "OK son. Who killed JFK?" the manager asks. The Awb thinks, and thinks, and thinks. Finally he said he didn't know. The manager tells him to go think about it some more.
The Awb walks outside and calls his momma on the phone. "Momma." he says. "This FBI stuff ain't so hard after all. I did real good on two questions and already they got me on a murder case!!!"
This Awbie took his girl out for breakfast at the local eatery. He overheard the man at a nearby table say, "Please pass the sugar, Sugar." Then, he overheard a man at another table say, "Please pass the honey, Honey." To which the Awbie, wanting to impress his girl, said, "Please pass the bacon, Pig!"
This Awbun guy is sitting in a bar late at night having a few bears, and after every beer, the bartender notices he looks in his pocket, grimaces and orders another. Finally, his curiousity got the better of him, and the barkeep asks the Awbie what he's doing. "Well sah," the Awbie replied, "In my pocket I have a picture of my wife, and when she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."
A ventriloquist who retired from show business decided to try rural life and was inspecting a farm that an Awbie had for sale. As the Awbie was taking him around, the ventriloquist -- who loved practical jokes -- couldn't resist playing one on the Awbie...because he seemed so gullible. As they walked through the barnyard, a cow standing nearby suddenly spoke -- or at least appeared so to the Awbie. "Your hands were awfully cold this morning when you milked me," the cow said. The Awbie gave the cow a startled look. Then a passing chicken complained, "I wish you'd collect the eggs sooner." The Awbie looked strickened, and the ventriloquist didn't give a hint of what was going on. Walking passed the horse, they heard, "I'd appreciate a few more oats when you feed me." The Awbie began to sweat. As they approached some sheep, the Awbie said, "Don't believe anything these sheep say. They're terrible liars!"
Stopping by Priester's Pecans on the way to Birmingham, an Awbie asked "How much do you charge for pecans?" "All you can pick for $5," was the reply. "OK," says the Awbie as he reached into his pocket, "I'll take $10 worth."
An Alabama fan and an Awbun fan were both in a restroom doing their business. As they exited the stall the Awbun fan began washing his hands and the Alabama fan walked to the exit. The Awbun fan said, "You know, at Awbun they teach us to wash our hands!" The Bama fan replied, "Yeah, well at Alabama they teach us to use toilet paper."
There were two Awbies playing golf. They both had great drives off the tee box. When they they got to their balls, one was a few yards further than the other. An argument insued about whose was which. Finally they agreed to let someone else decide. They called an Alabama fan over, and said what ever you decide, we will be happy with. The Alabama guy looked at both balls and replied, "Who hit the yellow ball?"
Auburn Fire Department Dispatcher: Hello?
Terry Bowden: Help! My house is on fire!
Auburn Fire Department Dispatcher: OK, tell us how to get there.
Terry Bowden: Don't y'all still have those red trucks?
Three individuals appeared at the pearly gates, and were greeted by St. Peter. He asked the first "What's you IQ?", to which the response was "215". "Welcome," St. Peter said, "you'll enjoy it up here, we got Socrates, and others who are willing to share their ideas with you." St. Peter then asked the second the same question, and the response was "195". "Welcome", said St. Peter, "You'll enjoy sharing sharing your intellect with Einstein and others." He asked the third individual what his IQ was, and the response came back "29". St. Peter responded, "How about them Awbun Tigers, huh?"
Two innebriated Awbs are walkin' along a railroad track. One Awbie says, "Darn! These stairs are killin' me!" The other says, "It's ain't the stairs I can't stand, it's those low handrails!!"
You can tell your secretary is an Awbie if she can type 10 words a minute ... with the wind.
There was this guy from Awbun grad named Jethro walking down the road one day till he noticed his friend across the road carrying a bag.
Jethro: "Hey Billy Joe! What you got in that bag?"
Billy Joe: "In this bag here, I got me chickens."
Jethro: "Chickens! I sure would like chickens. I bet you if I guess how many chickens you got in that thar bag you give me one..."
Billy Joe: "Sheeeeiiit Jethro! If you guess how many chickens I got in this bag I'll give you *BOTH* of them"
Jethro: "uhhh...5?"
Billy Joe: "Nope!"
It has been so dry this year that the ducks wouldn't land anywhere in Awbun, AL. There was no water on which they could land. They just kept flying farther south and most of the Awbun duck hunters became very frustrated. A local farmer put out a blue tarp on his pasture and hoped ducks would mistake it for water. That weekend he got up early and waited for the ducks to come in. The first day he shot his limit. In fact, he shot his limit both days that weekend. When the next weekend rolled around, he got up early to go sit by the blue tarp. But he couldn't get close enought to it. . . too many fishermen.
An Awbun student proudly called his father from campus one evening to share some important news with him.
Student: "Dad, I wanted to call and tell you I just completed piecing together a 23 piece puzzle, and it only took 2 weeks and I'm just so proud of myself."
Dad: "Son, sounds pretty good, but, a 23 piece puzzle in two weeks, why the big deal?"
Student: "Dad, on the box it said 2 to 3 years."
A ventriloquist in a nightclub is telling a series of Awbun jokes. He plays straight man while the little dummy on his knee poses the riddles and answers questions. After many of these, a guy gets up from his chair and shouts, "Will you just knock it off!" Everyone in the room turns to look, and the ventriloquist stops. "I'm just sick and tired of all these idiotic Awbun jokes that try to make Awbies look so stupid! 'How many Aubies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?'... 'There was an Italian, a Jew and an Aubie...'and so on! Well just stop it, because we Awbies are proud of our heritage, our contribution to civilization and the great intellects we have produced!"
The club is silent as the man sits down angrily. Finally, the ventriloquist, in a conciliatory tone, says, "Sir, I am really sorry to cause such an offense. I really didn't intend to hurt anybody's feelings at all. I just want everyone to have a nice time and enjoy themselves, and the last thing I want to do is make someone upset. Would you accept my apology?"
The Awbie gets up and exclaims, "It's not *you* I'm talking to, you fool! It's that little bastard on your knee!!"
This Awbun grad finds a magic lamp and this genie comes out and says, "I'm a one wish genie". "A one wish genie?", says the guy. "Yes, I only grant one wish.", the genie says. So the guy is thinking, and pulls out this map and says, "If I can only get one wish, I wish for peace in the middle east". The genie looks at the map, thinks for a minute, and says "Pick another one." "Ok, I want Awbun to win the NCAA football championship."
"Let me see the map again," says the genie.
A recent survey on college campuses asked students "Which sign were you born under?"
* 65% of the students at UC-Berkley said "Defining oneself based upon astrological signs is no longer vogue.
* 67% of the students at City Collge of New York said "Astrological signs are ancient meta-physical characteristics attributed to what was once believed to be relevant associations to one's personality."
* 87% of the students at Awbun said "For Rent."
The reason that Awbies are so embarassed to be around Bama's elite fans: In the 70's, Alabama and Auburn were playing. The officiating was so terrible that Alabama got mad and walked off the field. Three plays later, the Awbies scored a touchdown, and they have been too ashamed to be around people that know anything about football ever since.
#1 Auburn Joke of all time: Pat Dye
#2 Auburn joke of all time: Vince Dooley
#3 Auburn joke of all time: Terry Bowden
The rumor is that Terry Bowden is in the hunt for the Notre Dame job...they need a new Leprechaun!
Three Awbun Grads who were supposed to be Wise Men in a Christmas pagent showed up dressed as firemen. When asked to explain they said,"Well you know, we came from a-far"
Terry Bowden was injured at home the other day. It was reported that he was playing with his daughter, and she dropped him.
A recent survey conducted on college campuses asked students about the true meaning of Christmas:
73% of the students at Oral Roberts said it concerned the joy and happiness of celebrating the birth of Jesus.
68% of the students at the University of Michigan said the true meaning had to do with giving.
61% of the students at Utah State University said it was a mixture of Christianism and commercialism.
92% of the students at Awbun said it meant they would be visited by somebody other than the NCAA.
Two Awbies were talking about Christmas shopping. Bubba 1 told Bubba 2 that he got a dog for his girlfriend. Bubba 2 asked if Bubba 1 if he thought he could swap his girlfriend for a dog, too.
Terry Bowden went into a Red Lobster restaurant the other night and asked the waitress "Hey, do y'all serve shrimp here?" The waitress looked him over and said, "Sure, we serve everybody!"
An Awbun grad was walking down the street, when his old college buddy pulled up in a brand new Porsche.
"Where the hell did you get Porsche?", the grad asked in disbelief. "Well," his buddy replied, "Last night I was at a bar and started dancing with this girl. When the bar closed, she motions for me to follow her. We jump in her Porsche, and drive off into the mountains. She stops, jumps out of the car, takes off all her clothes, and tells me, 'You can have anything you want.'
"That was pretty smart", said the other Awbun grad, "Seeing as how her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
Two Awbun grads were working on a building site. They were progressing well with the foundations until one of them said, "Why does the foreman sit under that tree all day in his suit reading the newspaper and never get dirty?" The other guy replied, "I don't know." So one of the Awbun grads climbed out of the hole and asked the foreman. "I've got brains and thinking," came back the reply. "What's thinking?", asked the Awbun grad. "I'm putting my hand against this tree," said the foreman. "Pick up that axe and hit my hand as hard as you can." The Awbun grad swung the axe and at the last minute the foreman moved his hand out of the way. The axe went safely into the tree. "That's thinking," the forman said.The Awbun grad went back down the hole. "What did he say?" asked his friend. "He's got brains and thinking." "What's thinking?" "Pick up that axe," said the first Awbun grad, putting his hand in front of his forehead. "Now hit my hand with the axe as hard as hard as you can!"
A building contractor was speaking with a woman about her paint selection. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room, she told the contractor that she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The contractor wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it up and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady finally asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"
"I'm sorry," came the reply, "but across the street I have an Awbun crew laying sod."
Terry Bowden went to the doctor the other day to get treated for a rash on his butt. The doctor told him not to wear cowboy boots any more to correct the problem.
It was truly a sad day in Awbun a while back. A man was jogging when he came across a dead body. The man was scared to death and immediately called the police. After the body had been picked up, the corpse was taken to the Awbun coroner. Appearantly, the body had been there a while but he decided to find out who it was. While he was looking at the results of the tests, he realizes who it was. The Awbun coroner came running to his partner kind of gloomy. He says, "Man, you will not believe who this is." His Awbun partner asked, "Who?" The Awbun coroner said, "This is Wally Jettin, The 1953 Freeze Tag Champion."
An avid Awbie died and "did not go to heaven"! Satan was waiting and took him to his room. "I'll check on you tomorrow," Satan said. As he left, he told the gatekeeper to "turn up the heat"!. The next day he visited the Awbie and asked how he was adjusting. The Awbie replied, "Satan, these warm breezes remind me of the Loveliest Village of the Plains!" Satan said he would check on him again the next day. As he left, he told the gatekeeper, "turn it all the way up!" Next day Satan asked how he was adjusting, and the Awbie said, "Satan this reminds me of football practice at Auburn in August!" As Satan left he said, "turn all of the heat off!" Two days later he returns and finds the Awbie cold, shivering, and ice all over the room. Satan asked how he was doing. The Awbie replied, "This has to be the happiest day I can ever remember.. I just know Awbun has won their 2nd National Championship!!!"
One guy sits next to another guy on an airplane. The first guy says, "I bet you went to Alabama". The Alabama guy says, "How did you know"? The first guy says, "Well, you just look like an Alabama grad. You're wearing a real nice suit, expensive looking shoes. You just look successful". The Alabama grad says, "Thanks, and I'll bet you went to Awbun". The first guy says, "Yeah, I did, but how did you know?" The Alabama grad says, "I saw your class ring when you picked your nose."
This young mechanical engineering student at Awbun amazed all his instructors...straight A's -- pure mechanical genius! As part of his Doctorial Thesis he designed and built an Indianopolis 500 type race car then took the car to Indy and qualified as a rookie driver....then won the pole position for the big race! He would have won the race easily...but had 5 pit stops. Two for gas and three for directions!
This Awbie heard that a fortune could be made by working as a lumberjack in Canada for the summer. So, off he goes. After some weeks, he arrives at a lumberjack-camp and asks the foreman for a job. Foreman: "Okay sonny, but you'll have to do a test first. If you can chop down 100 trees tomorrow, you're hired". So, the next day, the guy gets his chainsaw and happily saws away all day. When the trees are counted the Awbie only has 98. "Oh well" says the foreman, "You'll get another chance tomorrow." So, the next day, same story, 99 trees. "I don't believe this" says the foreman. "A big strong fella like yourself should be able to cut down 200 trees in a day. You know what? You get one more chance, and I'll join you to show you the trick of it". So, the next day, the guy and the foreman go into the forest. Upon arrival at a nice open spot the foreman puts the chainsaw on the ground and starts the engine. "Holy Moly!" says the Awbie. "Where's that noise coming from?"
An Awbun student by the name of Herbie had always done well in high school but was doing even better in college, so his parents were a bit surprised to be summoned by one of the school deans. "I have some good news and some bad news, Mr. and Mrs. Robinson," said the dean. "The bad news is that Herbie is gay." Herbie's parents blanched. "The good news is that he's gonna be Homecoming Queen."
A plane was taking off from Atlanta when the stewardess notice a young man in the first class seats. She asked see his ticket and told the young man he had a economy ticket and had to sit in the coach. The young man said "I'm 6'3", weigh 210 lbs and I'm going to play football at Awbun." The stewardess said she was sorry but he had to sit in the back. Again he said "I'm 6'3", weigh 210 lbs and I'm going to play football at Awbun." The stewardess went to the pilot and told him the problem. He sent the co-pilot who told the young to move to the rear. Again, "I'm 6'3". weigh 210 lbs and I'm going to play football at Awbun". The co-pilot went forward and told the pilot the young man would not move. The pilot got up, went to first class and whispered in the young man ear. The young man jumped up and went to the rear of the plane. The stewardess and co-pilot said "What did you tell him?" The pilot said "I told him first class doesn't go to Awbun".
An Awbun Grad. was on a 747 from Washington to London. They had not been in the air long when the message came out on the intercom: "Our outer starboard engine has fallen off. We will be 30 minutes late arriving in London." Soon there was another announcement: "Our outer port engine has fallen off. We will now be 1 hour late." Finally: "Our inner starboard engine has fallen off. We will now be 2 hrs. late." Then, the Awbun grad replied, "Gee... If the other engine falls off we'll be up here all night."
These two gentlemen ended up sitting next to one another at a Sports Bar. The first one asked the second, "Are you an SEC football fan?" The second replied, "I love SEC football!" The first gentleman, who had a tattoo of the Bear on his left buttock and one of Vince Dooley on his right, promptly hopped off his bar stool, pulled down his trousers, and said, "If you're such a big SEC fan, tell me who these guys are!" The second man looked, paused for a moment, and said, "Well, the one on the left looks like the great Bear Bryant, the one on the right looks like Coach Dooley...and the one in the middle has got to be Terry Bowden!"
Last week Terry Bowden thought it would be nice to do something for Gene Stallings for his retirement from Alabama. Since Gene is a big outdoorsman, Terry decided to take Gene up to Canada on a fishing trip. But to confirm that his intentions would not be frowned upon, he call daddy Bowden to be sure this would be okay. Bobby Bowden told Terry the fishing trip would be great and asked to come along. So Terry, daddy, and Gene take off to Canada. When they get there they catch a helicopter to a remote island where the fishing site is all prepared. After about 15 minutes of fishing Gene realizes he's not going to be able to catch any fish around the two chatter boxes, so he goes over to the other side of the island. After about an hour and no luck catching any fish daddy Bowden tells Terry to go see where Gene went to. Terry goes to the other side of the island and finds Gene catching more fish than he had ever seen. Terry reports back to Bobby and tells of all the fish that Gene is catching. Bobby asked Terry what kind of bait is Gene using? Terry says that he will go ask him. So Terry goes bouncing off to the other side of the island to see what bait Gene is using. Upon his return he says, "Daddy, daddy, it's not the bait! Gene has cut a hole in the ice!"
This Alabama guy wanted to take a cruise on his vaction this year but he only had a 100 bucks. So he started looking in the paper for a deal on a cruise. He found one that said " River cruise to Gulf 4 days 3 Nights $99.99". Man was he excited, grabbed his clothes and took off for the address in the ad. When he got there a guy said he was in luck ,only room for one more, he gave the guy his money and while he was waiting for the tickets, the travel guy hit him over the head with a bat knocking him out. When he woke up , he was all tied up, floating in the river headed south for Mobile. Goaning he looked around and there floating a few feet from him was another guy tied up with an Awbie cap on. The Bama fan looked at this guy and said: "Hey do they serve meals on this cruise?" To which the Aubie responded: "Heck naw...least they didn't last year..."
There is an Awbie who invented a braking device which, in trials, stopped an aircraft at a landing speed of 165 knots in 3 feet. Now he is working on a device to keeep the pilot from going through the windshield.
If an Awbun fan divorces his wife, can they still be considered cousins?
A recent survey on college campuses asked students to describe their favorite way of decorating for Christmas:
76% of the students at the University of Notre Dame said they prefered the beauty of a nativity scene.
69% of the students at the University of Norther Colorado said they build snow castles and place lit trees around them
71% of the students at the University of Hawaii said they decorated their trees with orchids and tropical fruit
92% of the students at Awbun said they hung a genuine plastic wreath with a simulated velvet bow, on the gas tank of an old car that hangs on the living room wall.
Female students at Awbun are referred to as "cow-ettes." Males students are called "cow-erds." Children of married students are called "cow-uns."
This is a true story about an Awbun man...
There was a woman who was married to an alcoholic Awbie for many years. Their relationship was always stormy. One day not long ago, the alky Awbie died. Instead of burying him, the wife had him cremated. She took the poor guy's ashes and rolled 'em up and smoked 'em. She said that was the first time he ever made her FEEL good.
Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside is numbered".
"I think libarians are the easiest" said the second surgeon. "When you open them up all their organs are alphabetically ordered."
The third surgeon said, "I prefer to operate on electricians, all their organs are color coded."
The fourth surgeon said, "I like to operate on Awbies. They are gutless, spineless, and their head and butt are interchangeable."
Two Awbun golfers hit nice drives down the middle of the fairway. When they arrived at their balls, the first one was getting ready to hit, and the second one said, "Wait, that's my ball." The other said "No, it's mine. I'm playing a Titliest 1". The first one said "I'm playing a Titliest 1, also". So they argued for a few minutes, and finally a Bama golfer was walking in the next fairway, and the Awbun guys asked him to come over. They explained what had happened and asked him to make the call and that they would go with whatever ruling he made. So, the Bama golfer looks down at the two Titliest1 golf balls, and then quickly ask, "Which one of you is playing the yellow ball?"
A Letter From An Auburn Fan To Her Daughter
Dear Ellie Mae:
I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last West virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be to heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had her baby but I don't know if it's a boy or a girl yet so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother....
Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat at the distellery and drowned last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off valiantly. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love, Mom
P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
Awbun Chain letter...
THE FERTILIZER CLUB
This is being sent to you for we know that you are critically interested in your lawn. This is a fertilizer club, it will not cost you a cent to join.
Upon receipt of this letter, go to the first house on the top of the list and poop on the lawn. You will not be the only one there so don't be embarrassed.
Then make five (5) copies of this letter, leaving out the first name on the list and adding your own to the bottom. Send these five copies to five of your friends who appreciate a good lawn. You will not get any money or checks. But within one week if this chain is not broken, there will be 9,125 pooping on your lawn.
Your reward will come next summer when your lawn will be the greenest lawn in the neighborhood.
Very Truly Yours,
Your Friendly Neighbor
The real reason Pat Dye retired:
The night before the Iron Bowl Pat was reading a bedtime story to one of his players. The story started, "Once upon a time there were three 'Bears'..."
A sad day on the plains: This just in from Associated Press release Dated 02/26/97 @ 18:34 pm EST, Awbun University loss three of their top recruits in a drowning accident. According to an eye witness, it all started when they attempted to pump out the basement of a friends house boat.
3 Awbun students who attended every home football game had a serious problem. Seems they could never find their car after the game, so they decided to buy a camel and ride it to the games thinking it would be easier to find when the game was over. They went to the game and was able to park next to the ticket office. After the game they were excited knowing they would be able to find the camel easily, but 100 other fans had the same idea. One asked the other how will we ever find our camel among 100 others. One of the students began lifting the tails of the camels and looking the other 2 asked how could he tell by lifting tails which was ours. He looked at them and said, "Didn't you hear the guy it the ticket office when we rode up say 'Look at the 3 buttholes on that camel...'"
Two Awbun grads decide to have a small reunion. One decides to visit the other one living in a big town. The visiting Awbie gets lost and calls his friend..."Hey, I'm coming over, but I'm lost and have no idea where I am." The second Awbie says, "O.K., just look at the street intersection. There will be two signs...read them to me." "Ok, I see them," the first one says. "WALK", the other one says "DON'T WALK". "Aw man...you're right down the street. I'll be over to pick you up in two minutes!"
Two Awbun students struck up a conversation to try and determine their identity. "You think you we might be kin", asked the first Awbie? "A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter and we got married. Later, my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter my stepmother and my father became my stepson. Also my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law. Then the daughter of my wife, my stepmother had a son. This boy was my halfbrother because he was my father's son, but he was also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's grandson. That made me the grandfather of my halfbrother. This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the sister of my son, my mother-in-law, is also the grandmother. This makes my father the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife. I am my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I am my own grandfather!" "Yeah, that makes us frat brothers", said the second Awbie.
An Awbun grad went into the shoe store in the mall and told the clerk he was interested in some new walking shoes in a size eleven. The clerk brought him a pair and showed him where he could sit down and try them on. The Awbie sat down, took the right one, opened it up, and crammed his big foot down into it with the laces and tongue wadded up down inside. He called the clerk over and told him they were too tight. The clerk took one look and said, 'Try 'em with the tongue out'. The Awbie stuck out his tongue, stood up on 'em one more time and said, 'They're Thill Thoo Thite'.
An Alabama grad and an Awbie are both on death row. One day, the warden walks in and says "Men, I've got bad news. You've exhausted all your appeals, and you'll both be dead in a week. But since you've been model prisoners, if there's anything I can do to make your last week on earth better, just let me know." He turns to the Alabama grad and says "What can I do for you, son?" The Bama man says "I want a big-screen T.V., a VCR, and a tape of the '96 Iron Bowl. I want to watch that tape over and over again until I die. I want to die watching that tape." The warden says, "All right, I can do that." He turns to the Awbie. "And what can I do for you?" The Awb says "You can take me right now!"
There was a little boy whose parents were getting a divorce and they were fighting for custody of the child. The divorce judge asked the boy, "Do you want to live with your mother?" The boy replied, "No, she beats me." The judge then asked, "Do you want to live with your father?" The boy replied, "No, he beats me." The judge then said, "Well, you must live with someone. Is their someone you want to live with?" The boy replied, "Yes, I want to live with the Awbun basketball team. They don't beat anybody!"
An Awbie asked his wife what she wanted for her birthday. She said, "Oh, I don't care, as long as it's expensive, and it's not something I'd buy for myself." So he signed her up for chemotherapy.
The FBI was running short of hired killers, and decided to advertise for some new recruits. Two Alabama grads and an Awbie made it all the way through training. For a final test, the first Alabama grad was handed a gun and was told that his wife was in the next room. "Go in there and shoot her, and we'll know that you're dedicated to the FBI." He took the gun, closed the door, but came out a few minutes later crying, saying "I can't kill her. I can't kill the woman I love." The FBI men said, "O.K. then, get on out. You failed." The same thing happened to the second Bama grad. Finally, the Awbie was handed the gun. As soon as the door closed behind him, he emptied the clip. Then the agents heard a horrible scuffle. Finally, the Awbie emerged and said "Why didn't ya'll tell me you had blanks in that gun? I had to beat her to death with the chair!"
Terry Bowden bought the special package at the War Eagle travel agency and went on a vacation to Bosnia. While there, he saw an 18 yr. old, 6'4", 280 lb. strapping young man. This kid could run the 40 in 4 seconds flat, could throw a 90 yard pass so straight you could hang laundry on it, and could hit harder than a divorce settlement. Naturally, Terry signed him up. After the kid had practiced for a few weeks, he called his folks, asking how everything was going. His daddy said "Oh, it's terrible son. There's gunfire in the streets, filth everywhere, and our house has been broken into 8 times. And we've only been in Awbun 2 weeks!"
Two Awbs go ice fishing. While chiseling a hole in the ice, a voice from nowhere booms: "THERE ARE NO FISH IN THAT HOLE!". The Awbs move a few yards and start chiseling another hole. Once again, the voice booms "THERE ARE NO FISH IN THAT HOLE!" The Awbs look around and seeing no one, move a few yards and start a third hole. The voice booms louder than ever: "THERE ARE NO FISH IN THAT HOLE!". The first Awb looks around as says "Is that you God?" The voice replies: "NO, I'M THE MANAGER OF THIS SKATING RINK!"
A high school senior came home from school one day crying his eyes out. When his mother asked what was wrong, he said "I entered an essay contest at school, and I came in 2nd place and won a 4-year scholarship to Awbun." The mother said, "What's wrong with that?" Still sobbing, the boy said "1st prize was 50 dollars."
Top 10 ways things would be different if Terry Bowden were President:
10. "Hail to the Chief" replaced by "I got Friends in Low Places."
9. Air Force One repainted camouflage.
8. State of the Union address delivered at Awbun's Denny's.
7. Presidential haircut/wardrobe: Supercuts/Garanimals.
6. Cabinet meetings actually held in cabinets.
5. War declared on "them smart-aleck boys at the Big & Tall shop."
4. Annual Easter Egg roll replaced by frantic scramble for wind-blown pork rinds.
3. He would call people and say "Did you know that the hot line isn't really hot?"
2. Instead of weekends at Camp David, it's the Presidential Ball Crawl at Discovery Zone.
1. Daddy Bowden? Emperor.
If a Tennessee fan and an Awbun fan were drowning, and you could only save one, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
An Awbie was working a saw at a lumberyard when he bent too close to the saw and cut his ear off. He jumped down into the sawdust pit and began looking for his ear. The foreman, who had seen what had happened, jumped down in the pit and helped him look. "Here's your ear," the foreman said, straightening up with a severed ear in his hand. "That ain't my ear," the Awbie said. The foreman said "How can you tell it's not yours?" "Because mine had a pencil behind it," said the Awb.
Three Awbun students and three Alabama students are traveling by train to a game. At the station, the three Awbun students each buy tickets and watch as the three Alabama students buy only a single ticket. "How are three guys going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Awbies. "Watch and you'll see," answers one of the Alabama students.
They all board the train. The Awbun students take their respective seats but all three Alabama students cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Awbun students saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the game, the Awbun students decide to copy the Alabama students on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Alabama students don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Awbun student. "You'll see," answers one of the Alabama students.
When they board the train the three Alabama students cram into a restroom and the three Auburn students cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Alabama students leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Awbun students are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
An Awbun cheerleader has a report due, and she must use a live animal in this report. So, she's goes to a local sheep ranch, finds the rancher and asks, "If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your herd, can I have one for a school project?" The rancher agrees. She ponders it for awhile looking at the herd. Finally she guesses 473. The rancher scratching his head said "thats remarkable - pick the one you want and load him in your truck." She picks the one she wants, and return to the rancher to thanks him. Upon, her return the rancher says, "If I can guess what school you attend, will you let my dog out of your truck?"
NASA was looking for astronauts for a mission to Mars. The only catch was, it would have to be a one-way mission. The first candidate was an Auburn grad. When asked how much he'd have to be paid to take the trip, he said, One million dollars, to be donated to the Terry Bowden wing at Discovery Zone." The next candidate was a Florida grad. When asked his price, he replied "Two million dollars, to be donated to the Steve Spurrier Institute for Advanced Visor-Throwing." The third candidate was a Bama grad. When asked his price, he whispered in the NASA tech's ear "5 million." "Why so much?" the tech asked. The Bama man answered "I take one million, you take one million, and we get rid of both of those two."
Alabama and Awbun foxes are walking through the woods talking about what else (football), when they both step in traps!! The Alabama fox after sizing the situation decides to knaw off his caught foot and escape. The Awbun fox says, "I'll just wait and bite the hunter as he frees me, then I'll escape." To that the Bama fox says, "Good luck. I'll drop back by on my way home to check on you." Well about two days later, the Bama fox comes back upon the Awbun fox with his foot still stuck in the trap and says to him, "See, if you had knawed off your foot, you would be free right now." The Awbun fox says, "That didn't work, smarty. I've already knawed off two, and I'm still not out."
The wife of an Alabama fan meets the wife of an Awbun fan in the shopping mall and the following is the conversation that took place:
Awbun wife: Well, you look great! Married life seems to be doing you well. How's the husband?
Alabama wife: He's an angel.
Awbun wife: Aren't you lucky, mine's still alive!
Nasa was getting ready to send three men into orbit. They would be gone 1 year, and they could only take 125 pounds of supplies each. The first astronaut, a Bama grad, said he would take his new bride, who weighed 110 pounds. The second astronaut, also a Bama man, said he had always wanted to learn Greek, and that he would take 125 pounds of books on Greek with him. The third 'naut, an Awbie, said that he would take 125 pounds of the finest cigars with him. After the 3 had been in orbit for a year, they returned. As they stepped from the shuttle, the first Bama man and his wife stepped forward, and the wife was obviously pregnant. The second Bama grad stepped out, and gave a 10 minute speech in Greek. Finally, the Awbie emerged from the capsule, all nervous and sweating, and said, "Can I please get a match?"
Terry Bowden was riding around Awbun in his pickup when he spotted a fellow Awbie busily rowing on the oars of a rowboat out in the middle of a pasture. Terry immediately slammed on the brakes, ejected the 8-track tape of James Taylor, jumped out of his truck, and shouted at the man in the boat. "You idiot," Terry said. "It's people like you that give Awbun fans a bad name, acting stupid like that. If I could swim, I'd go out there and kick your butt."
An Awbie walks into a doctor's office and says, "Doc, you hafta he'p me."
"What's wrong?" says the doc. "I got a quarter stick in each ear," says the Awbie.
"How long have they been there?" asks the doc. "Over a year,"says the Awbie. "Why didn't you come in sooner?" asks the doc. "I didn't need the money" says the Awbie.
An Awbun student is sitting in a bar exchanging small talk with a girl and she asks "Where do you go to school?". He replies "Awbun. Where do you go to school?". She answers "Yale". To which he responds "WHERE DO YOU GO TO SCHOOL?"
A guy bought a new Mercedes, drove off the lot, turned on the radio and nothing happened. Mad, he turned the car around, went back to the dealer and said, "When I buy a $50,000 dollar car I expect the radio to work." The dealer explained to him that the radio had been programed to his |
